The Unsettling Feeling of Feeling Unsettled

Hundreds of years ago my men were settlers.  People explore, they conquer, they settle.  My home has not been in once piece since I was ten, but back then two houses and two Christmases had its advantages. Ever since I left Colorado, my heart has only become more divided, leaving my ‘home’ in pieces all over the world.  Part of me is still living in Italy- the part that worked at the Gate with sweet Adriano and spoke to the same Italians for eight hours, the part that ate a guancia panino (pork cheek sandwich) for breakfast, and the part of me that was immersed in my love for photography.  Those parts of me are a distant memory, begging on their hands and knees to come back into my life.

Sometimes California feels like my home.  Five years of University, the beach, a sorority, and some of the best times of my life with my friends cannot possibly be erased.

My real home… it’s a place where I can hang out with my mom in the kitchen and see our four kitties.  I can go to my dad’s house and speak about Tai Chi for hours in the warm living room.  I can see my other half, my best friend, my sister, and know that she is okay.  I have my houses, my cabins, more friends, and of course the Sun.  Mr. Sun comes out for a whopping 300 days a year.

And now there is Edinburgh.  Some place magical until I realized that the cold gloomy days of winter weren’t ending and every month seemed almost the same… maybe just three degrees colder than the last.  I want to make my apartment my home, I want to buy pillows and a pretty duvet cover, a nice iron, and things to help me settle in.  But is there a point if I’m going to move home anyways?  I am completely jealous now of my friends who have a steady job, a home near their family (or with their family), a dog, a husband.  I’m not saying I want a dog, husband, or house right now, but I’m jealous of the certainty in their lives.  I’ve been feeling terribly unsettled while facing the fact that I am once again not settled.  Where will I be in three months?  Time will tell, and then I will tell you.

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