Emily Rath

The Unsettling Feeling of Feeling Unsettled

Hundreds of years ago my men were settlers.  People explore, they conquer, they settle.  My home has not been in once piece since I was ten, but back then two houses and two Christmases had its advantages. Ever since I left Colorado, my heart has only become more divided, leaving my ‘home’ in pieces all over the world.  Part of me is still living in Italy- the part that worked at the Gate with sweet Adriano and spoke to the same Italians for eight hours, the part that ate a guancia panino (pork cheek sandwich) for breakfast, and the part of me that was immersed in my love for photography.  Those parts of me are a distant memory, begging on their hands and knees to come back into my life.

Sometimes California feels like my home.  Five years of University, the beach, a sorority, and some of the best times of my life with my friends cannot possibly be erased.

My real home… it’s a place where I can hang out with my mom in the kitchen and see our four kitties.  I can go to my dad’s house and speak about Tai Chi for hours in the warm living room.  I can see my other half, my best friend, my sister, and know that she is okay.  I have my houses, my cabins, more friends, and of course the Sun.  Mr. Sun comes out for a whopping 300 days a year.

And now there is Edinburgh.  Some place magical until I realized that the cold gloomy days of winter weren’t ending and every month seemed almost the same… maybe just three degrees colder than the last.  I want to make my apartment my home, I want to buy pillows and a pretty duvet cover, a nice iron, and things to help me settle in.  But is there a point if I’m going to move home anyways?  I am completely jealous now of my friends who have a steady job, a home near their family (or with their family), a dog, a husband.  I’m not saying I want a dog, husband, or house right now, but I’m jealous of the certainty in their lives.  I’ve been feeling terribly unsettled while facing the fact that I am once again not settled.  Where will I be in three months?  Time will tell, and then I will tell you.

Here we go…

We are now a society connected through technology.  Friends thousands of miles apart, with the distance of oceans and countries, can communicate and share their lives, daily.  Does this make us more or less connected?  Now that we’re reliant on technology, we may spend more time texting, or using the computer, than communicating with those around us.  I hope that this blog serves as a window into my life, but not as a substitute for our friendship and connection.

I’ve been having this debate with myself on what my blog should be.  I want to share my life, with my friends and family, and I can use the internet to my benefit.  But how private should a blog be?  How personal should one write?  Who do I want reading this?  I feel like in order to really share my life and ideas with you, it’s much more meaningful if I write about my emotions and things that are personal.  Me.  That is what I am sharing in this blog.  My life.  Isn’t that what you came to this page for?  But how much of me do I want to share, and how much of me should I share?

So for now, I will share some of my life, and some of my emotions, but seeing as how this blog is not to a personalized audience, I don’t feel like getting too personal in my writing.  I will share with you photos from my new adventure in Scotland, but I am a woman of words, so you will get those too.

I love you all, and happy reading.

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